I've Never Forgotten

It doesn't take much to bring my mind back to that day. Back to that whirlwind. If I allow myself to dip into those feelings and thoughts, I am quickly nineteen years old all over again. I can feel the anticipation in my steps, but my mind continues to push my body forward. I'm hesitant, numb and shy in this moment. Shy is not a word I would typically use to describe myself, but on this day, I am ok with being shy.

I enter a room I have seen a hand full of times before. White walls, fake dusty plants, burgundy leather couches and framed art work I have never paid attention to before. This room feels significantly smaller then I remember and I instantly feel cramped. There is some exchanging of words between the few of us there, but I hear nothing. Nothing at all. Slowly each of them file out of the room and I am left there alone... holding the most beautiful, tiny human being I have ever laid eyes on before. My heart has never felt such love, devotion and responsibility towards another person. Everything I do in this next moment is for her.

He enters the quaint room where I am sitting. His 6' 2" frame holds no control over his face and emotions. He seems so fragile that I find myself feeling more confident. I look down at her, she is so breathtaking and I look back at him. This is it Gina. Every decision and thought in the last 9 months has brought me to here. I look down at her again, every 'what if' races through my mind that could stop me from making this step. Every tug and pull inside of my heart is screaming for me to stop, but again my head pushes me forward. I place her inside the deepness of his arms and step back. No words could be said but to love her and kiss her twice for me.

Almost 13 years later I can still recall that very moment I said goodbye to My Little Butterfly, like it was yesterday. The emotions are all still there. On some days I allow myself the tears and the memories to flood my mind and engulf my every thought. I cry, remember, scream and embrace the decision I made. I can't wish those thoughts away. I can't fill the emptiness in my heart that follows me. I can't change the past, so I embrace it. I accept it. I allow myself bad days and I thank God for my beautiful days... but I've never forgotten.