I've Never Forgotten

It doesn't take much to bring my mind back to that day. Back to that whirlwind. If I allow myself to dip into those feelings and thoughts, I am quickly nineteen years old all over again. I can feel the anticipation in my steps, but my mind continues to push my body forward. I'm hesitant, numb and shy in this moment. Shy is not a word I would typically use to describe myself, but on this day, I am ok with being shy.

I enter a room I have seen a hand full of times before. White walls, fake dusty plants, burgundy leather couches and framed art work I have never paid attention to before. This room feels significantly smaller then I remember and I instantly feel cramped. There is some exchanging of words between the few of us there, but I hear nothing. Nothing at all. Slowly each of them file out of the room and I am left there alone... holding the most beautiful, tiny human being I have ever laid eyes on before. My heart has never felt such love, devotion and responsibility towards another person. Everything I do in this next moment is for her.

He enters the quaint room where I am sitting. His 6' 2" frame holds no control over his face and emotions. He seems so fragile that I find myself feeling more confident. I look down at her, she is so breathtaking and I look back at him. This is it Gina. Every decision and thought in the last 9 months has brought me to here. I look down at her again, every 'what if' races through my mind that could stop me from making this step. Every tug and pull inside of my heart is screaming for me to stop, but again my head pushes me forward. I place her inside the deepness of his arms and step back. No words could be said but to love her and kiss her twice for me.

Almost 13 years later I can still recall that very moment I said goodbye to My Little Butterfly, like it was yesterday. The emotions are all still there. On some days I allow myself the tears and the memories to flood my mind and engulf my every thought. I cry, remember, scream and embrace the decision I made. I can't wish those thoughts away. I can't fill the emptiness in my heart that follows me. I can't change the past, so I embrace it. I accept it. I allow myself bad days and I thank God for my beautiful days... but I've never forgotten.

Welcome Featured Members~

Joe & Kelly

To view their Parentfinder profile click here

Do you want to become a Featured Member... click here for more information.

Brave Enough

What amazing things have come to be because you were brave enough to ask a question?

I saw this question circulating online yesterday, at first I pushed the thought aside and went about feeding through my never ending pile of emails. 

However, my mind kept coming back to it. What amazing things have come to be because you were brave enough to ask a question?   So I opened my heart to it. Who would I have asked such an important question to? What would be the base of this question that has brought amazing things?

Then I looked around me...

Here I sit in my chair, the table in front of me is full of Birth Mother Baskets material and information. I am attending the FAC 2013 Conference in Orlando. Birth Mother Baskets (bmb) is the non-profit organization that I founded in 2001. This 'project' started as a simple service project for me to do during Christmas time. I wanted this service project to be centered around birth moms and birth moms only. That's when the idea of a gift basket came to mind. A basket full of pampering items that are just for her. My first goal was to fill 20 baskets and then donate them to local hospitals and agencies around Utah. That first Christmas I filled 60 baskets! The response I got was overwhelming and I continued to receive donations for baskets all year long. 

My question...

If I don't do this who will? And... why not me?

You see, those extra donations I received after my Christmas service project sat in my house. I had already filled and delivered 60 baskets. I could stop their and honestly say it was a success. But I didn't stop there.

I still saw a need to reach out to birth moms, post placement. I knew there were birth moms delivering little miracles every single day, not just at Christmas time, and those birth moms were making the most courageous decision to place those miracles for adoption. I knew this was all happening. I knew there was a need.

If I don't deliver these baskets and reach out to birth moms... 

who will? 

Why not me?

I fought back my own insecurities and fears and braved through my cant's and no's. I picked up the phone and asked for donations, to help support birth moms and adoption. This alone was a brave question, considering that 12 years ago, the birth moms that actually spoke up about their experience were few and far between. 

I quickly realized, in order to get the support I needed to run Birth Mother Baskets, I would have to public speak. Public speaking alone is frightening... public speaking about placing your baby for adoption takes frightening to a whole new level. Terrifying.

Why not me?

In order to do this, I had to beat the mirror. Let me explain this. Unfortunately, when 80% of us look in the mirror we quickly begin to pick ourselves a part. "Ugh, my hair today. I need to work out. I need a better outfit. My makeup looks horrible." I hate this... I want to change this... negative. negative. negative. 

The average person has 12,000-50,000 thoughts per day. 70-80% of those thoughts are negative.

If I'm going to get up and speak to people about adoption, some of who may or may not agree with my decision, I need to be confident. And I wasn't.

I had to change my negative thoughts and every reason I had in my head that told me I can't. I had to beat the mirror.

So what amazing things have happened... 

• We(because it's not just little old me that runs Birth Mother Baskets anymore) have been successfully delivering baskets for 12 years now. With our fair share of hiccups and difficulties. I think we officially lost count when we hit 500 baskets! That means, over 500 birth moms did NOT leave the hospital with empty arms. Over 500 birth moms knew that someone had walked this path before her. Over 500 birth moms felt recognized. Over 500 birth moms heard bmb say, we are proud of you.
• I found an incredible business partner, Jenny Treanor, who is also a birth mom. Who is my go to girl for everything in my life... and I mean everything. 
• I have spoke at numerous conferences, retreats and religious meetings on adoption. While continuing to fight the battle with my mirror and winning!
• I found an incredible job with Parentfinder.com were I am able to help guide hopeful adoptive couples to build a dynamic profile. I am lucky to be passionate about my work and to be involved on both sides of adoption.

All because I took 20 seconds of courage, faced myself in the mirror and said... if I don't do this who will and why not me?

I challenge you to consider this question yourself...

What amazing things have come to be because you were brave enough to ask a question? 

Please, share your thoughts in the comments below or email me gina.crotts@cairsolutions.com 

I'd love to hear your answers.

Thursday's Distractions

Fishermen Three

It’s morning

Pastel colors warm the sky

Rose colored brush strokes

Crawl along

The dark surface of the lake

I see through his glasses

Above, the front brim of his fedora

To the sides

White sleeves of his shirt

Rolled just below the elbow

Cuff of his slacks

Rising just above his wingtip shoes

Sitting on a cushion

Softens the seat

On that aluminum bench

Near back of this boat

Controls of the motor

Within reach

Minnow bucket

On the floor

Placed just the same

Lid open slightly

Wire handle dip net

Appears from underneath

Staring out across the lake

The shore to his back

Except for the lines of color

All is still on the lake

His boat drifts slowly

Along a line

Where the shallows fall

Give way to the darkness

The weed edge

Oars in the locks

Handles at the ready

Keeping him on course

Rod leaning out

Parallel to the water

Cream in color

Eyelets wrapped perfectly

Red and green thread

Handle held firmly

Bait placed surly

Eyes locked securely

For a sign

From a pike

The kingfisher speeds by

Chatters as he lands

Perches on a branch

Outstretched from shore

Herron hunts

Shoulders hunched

Eyes searching

Thin legs

Steady walk

These two feathered kind

Fishermen too

Patient these three

In this morning scene

View of today

Song for today – Lie In Our Graves – Dave Matthews Band

Lyrics for Lie in our Graves

when I step into the light
my arms open wide
when I step into the light
my eyes searching wild
would you not like to be
sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free
would you not like to be OK, OK, OK

when we're walking by the water
splish splash me and you taking a bath
when we're walking by the water
come to my toes to my ankles to my head to my soul
then I'm blown away

when we're walking by the water
splish splash me and you taking a bath
when we're walking by the water
come to my toes to my ankles to my head to my soul
then I'm blown away

I can't believe that we would lie in graves
wondering if we had spent our living days well
I can't believe that we would lie in graves
wondering what we might of been
I can't believe that we would lie in graves
wondering if we had spent our living days well
I can't believe that we would lie in graves
wondering what we might of been

would you not like to be
would you not like to be
I can't believe that you would not like to be
would you not like to be

ok, ok, ok,
ok, ok, ok,
ok, ok, ok,
ok, ok, ok,

and we dance away