Having an open adoption is a difficult relationship to
navigate. All parties involved *generally* are nervous they are going to step
on each other’s toes... especially at the beginning of the relationship. When I
first started my relationship with my birth daughter's adoptive family I was so
nervous. I didn’t want to come off crazy or too needy. They were nervous too.
They were scared to say the wrong thing or to come off stalker-esque. For the
first few months of our relationship we spoke only through a third party,
except for a few emails here and there
My main concern was I wanted the adoptive family to know
that I knew I was making the right choice, however hard that may be for me. I
was scared to share my feelings on my grieving process because I didn’t want
them to think I was going to take her and run. I was embarrassed when I cried
the first time I saw her after placement. I could see it was hard for her
adoptive mom to see me cry. Once I realized the reason it was hard for her to
see, was because she felt bad for me, and almost guilty of the pain I was
feeling, I saw her empathy and our relationship started growing.
I often refer to an open adoption as being similar to a
marriage. First you are in the “getting to know you” phase. You hesitate before
you talk because you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Then you enter the
“dating” phase where you are still somewhat careful about how you act or what
you say, but you start to loosen up and share your feelings and thoughts on a
deeper level. Once that relationship progresses into the “marriage” phase after
placement, you become more and more comfortable. Now almost five years later I
know I can talk to them about anything. I talk to them about things I wouldn’t
even mention to my parents. If I am having a hard time and want to pull back on
contact for a bit, I tell them. If I am having a hard day and would love a
picture, I ask for one. They feel comfortable telling me their parenting
mishaps. They know I am not going to judge them or hate them when they tell me
little miss found some scissors and applied them to her beautiful hair.
A good open adoption takes boundaries, respect, and honesty.
Honesty being the most important.
The birthmom must know when too much is too much. Showing up
on their doorstep at 4 am demanding to see the baby…not healthy. Commanding the
adoptive couple to send a text 3 times a day with pictures or stories...not
fair.
The adoptive couple should become comfortable in asking how
the level of contact is doing for them. It is important however, that the
adoptive couple also know that just because the birthmom placed with them does
not mean they have to dedicate their whole life to answering the birthmom’s
every beck and call. The main responsibility is to make sure the child is well
cared for. They also need to make sure that their emotional pain from
infertility is not the cause of them pulling back on contact.
When I created my open adoption plan we decided that we
would re-evaluate our plan as needed. I took comfort in the fact that knowing,
if my birthdaughter chose to cut off contact, I would still have contact with
her parents to know how she is doing. She is not forced into continuing contact
with me. A good open adoption will be set up that way, centered on the child.
Re-evaluation is absolutely necessary. People change, their needs change.
Everyone in the adoption triad needs to see that and realize it. Just as a marriage, there are going to be ups
and downs. There will most probably be disagreements. There will be happy times. There will be sad times. Someone may get
offended. Just like a marriage, you take it as it comes and figure it out as
you go. In the end you love each other and want things to work in the best way
possible.
- Jessalynn Bills Speight
To read more of Jessalynn's thoughts on adoption visit her blog at
Birth Mothers 4 Adoption
