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PJ & Kerri

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Love.Dream.Run.

I remember my 13th birthday. My parents took a friend and I to Las Vegas. I was like, now that I'm officially a teen, I need like a legit teen party... how about Vegas mom and dad? Honestly, what were they thinking when they said yes?
Really, we spent a few nights there and my parents escorted us around. It was a fun, very controlled trip and I'll always remember it.

I've been thinking about that birthday for a few weeks now. I even contemplated what I would tell my 13 year old self, now that I have traveled 20 years ahead. Would I tell her to stop wanting to grow up so fast? Would I tell her to run? Would I tell her to dream bigger?

I know this

I would tell her {my 13 year old self} don't waste your time on creating drama or being involved with drama. Life is short and before you know it life will truly be dramatic on it's own. Don't believe that being in the middle of a soap opera makes you important. It doesn't. It makes for unnecessary heart ache and trust me the heart ache will come on it's own as well. You are important without the drama.


I would tell her to run! But maybe not in the way you have in mind. Run to whatever is beautiful, positive, enlightening and brings you joy. Run to it! Run with vigor. Run with freedom. Don't wait for it to come to you. Take charge and run towards what you want and believe in, regardless of what others think.

Dream. omg! Dream bigger, wider and to infinity. If you believe you can, you can and the Universe will bring it to you... but it is not given to you. You have to work hard, never lose sight of your dream and sacrifice to get it.

Then I would tell her... yes drama is ahead. Heartache is ahead. Trials are ahead and there will be days when you think you cannot carry yourself into one more day. You will want to give up. You will want to think poor me, why me? Don't. Allow yourself to feel every emotion that engulfs you. Allow the sadness, the pain, the beautiful, the joy and the peace. Live in it. Experience it, but don't let the negative bring you down. Don't give it power. Remember everything in life has contrast. Good vs. Bad. Light vs. Dark. Love vs. Hate. Without the knowledge of contrast and the experience of both sides you would never fully be able to appreciate one or the other. If you never experience what hurts how would you know what feels great? Learn from each emotion and use it to power the positive emotions that will engulf you. Use the contrast to raise up what makes this life so beautiful.

The most important. Love. Love with all your heart. Never, never in my life have I regretted the love I have given. Not once and much of it, as you can imagine, has brought tears. But love anyway. Don't hold back love and love will find you.

So why all of this thought and talk about my 13 year old self.

Well, my little butterfly turns 13 tomorrow. I know 13 already? It's crazy talk.

The reality is, I want to take her to Vegas. lol. Not really, but really. I want her to get all dressed up so I can take her out to spoil her rotten. Not with money or materials, but with my love, my time, my spoken words that have gone unheard for 13 years. I want to show her my world here, the beautiful things I have discovered and have grown to love. Then I want her to spoil me, with every word she has ever wanted to say and every difficult question that she wants to ask. I want her to share her dreams, show me what she has grown to love and I want to soak in every second of it.

I know this isn't an option and honestly that makes me want to scream! Truly it does. The loss of control that I have over something that carries such deep raw emotions inside of me can be torture. I can't change it. I can't love enough, give enough, serve enough or pay anyone enough to change any of it. It just is what it is. There is nothing beautiful or profound about that. It's my reality. It's me being honest.

So, instead I will complete my annual birthday post and pray to the blog God's that someday she will see this. All of this. She will know of my love for her. She will see the frustration. She will hear the raw emotion of what a birth mom goes through on a day to day basis. And maybe, just maybe it will help her understand.

For now, I'm going to embrace each emotion. The contrast of all of it, because I know it's healthy for me to do so. I'm not going to get down on myself if I want to cry, if I want to scream and I'm going to allow myself to smile and love.

Once that is done, and I feel like myself again, I'm going to make our plans for Vegas.

Happy Birthday Butterfly!
I love you,

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Randy & Crystal

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I've Never Forgotten

It doesn't take much to bring my mind back to that day. Back to that whirlwind. If I allow myself to dip into those feelings and thoughts, I am quickly nineteen years old all over again. I can feel the anticipation in my steps, but my mind continues to push my body forward. I'm hesitant, numb and shy in this moment. Shy is not a word I would typically use to describe myself, but on this day, I am ok with being shy.

I enter a room I have seen a hand full of times before. White walls, fake dusty plants, burgundy leather couches and framed art work I have never paid attention to before. This room feels significantly smaller then I remember and I instantly feel cramped. There is some exchanging of words between the few of us there, but I hear nothing. Nothing at all. Slowly each of them file out of the room and I am left there alone... holding the most beautiful, tiny human being I have ever laid eyes on before. My heart has never felt such love, devotion and responsibility towards another person. Everything I do in this next moment is for her.

He enters the quaint room where I am sitting. His 6' 2" frame holds no control over his face and emotions. He seems so fragile that I find myself feeling more confident. I look down at her, she is so breathtaking and I look back at him. This is it Gina. Every decision and thought in the last 9 months has brought me to here. I look down at her again, every 'what if' races through my mind that could stop me from making this step. Every tug and pull inside of my heart is screaming for me to stop, but again my head pushes me forward. I place her inside the deepness of his arms and step back. No words could be said but to love her and kiss her twice for me.

Almost 13 years later I can still recall that very moment I said goodbye to My Little Butterfly, like it was yesterday. The emotions are all still there. On some days I allow myself the tears and the memories to flood my mind and engulf my every thought. I cry, remember, scream and embrace the decision I made. I can't wish those thoughts away. I can't fill the emptiness in my heart that follows me. I can't change the past, so I embrace it. I accept it. I allow myself bad days and I thank God for my beautiful days... but I've never forgotten.

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Joe & Kelly

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